My Diamond Crown

I am constantly reminded that I am forgiven for my sins. I have asked for forgiveness through confession and of others. Obtaining absolution. But the thing is I do not always forgive myself. Jesus told us, "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father also will forgive you; but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matt. 6:14–15). Hummmmm…. Ok. So, does that mean if I do not forgive myself, my Father in heaven will not either? Well, Jesus says as much. I need to let go and forgive myself. My lack of forgiveness is confining me to be judgmental, and I hate it. This is a form of bondage many of us face, and I will not believe you if you say no that is not true. When I was going through my sinful nature, I had no idea the minds of those, whose eyes were on me. Nor did I care. It was about me and no one else. Now when I see someone going through their sinful nature, I need to think how I would have wanted to be approached. As a judge or a savior. (Don’t get me wrong, I am not a savior, but I am called to be Christ-like). Sometimes I get mad at myself for constantly thinking that “wow this person condemned me for my sins, yet they are doing the same thing.” Does any of this make sense?

|Let me break it down for you.

Example 1: Confession number 3 (by the way). When I was in high school, I was obsessed with the way I looked. Remember, living in California; I wanted to be just like the popular kids wearing Guess Jeans, cool dresses, or Gloria Vanderbilt whatevers? I had the most fantastic best-friend who I took advantage of. I was always worried about number one. I was angry that I did not always get the stuff I wanted to fit in. I loved the way she looked, her style and just everything about her. (I was green with envy… pride rearing its ugly head). She saw me through some really hard times and always stood by me. She did not know everything about me though. I would often “borrow” her clothes, make-up, jewelry, etc. with the intent to pull them off as my own and never return them to her. The thing is, I would borrow without telling her. Yep, I stole from the very best-friend I valued so much. The problem was, I had to be very sneaky about it and never wear the clothes in front of her. That was a pain to pull off. Hiding them when she came over, still lying (first confession) when she would ask if I had them, so on and so forth.

Right now, as I write this, I am disgusted with myself, yet it is freeing too. It took me two minutes to type the word “stole.” I was thinking of a way to not have to admit I stole from her in case she saw this. (See the bondage there? Just confess…. Free yourself from the stronghold of the past, present, and future sins hold.)

But there is more to this story. Now fast forward to the past five years or so. To protect the privacy of an individual who still needs to find her way through the darkness, I will use the name of Janice. Janice is doing what I did. (Yep, did… work in progress baby!) Stealing is not fun. Stealing is not the name of the game. It comes with so many pieces and maintenance. Having to know where all the players are and pieces played, becomes exhausting. Just not worth it. But anyhow, Janice and I butt heads so often. I more than not take the position of, “why can’t you just stop doing that?” “Stop stealing.” “Stop lying.” “You make me so mad.” I am not mad at Janice. I am mad at myself for once being Janice and not forgiving myself. Does that make sense? It is not an excuse to not help her, but I must find out why I feel the way I do. I have now come to realize the importance of John 8:7, “He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.” I should not be casting stones at her. I should be helping her to walk in the light. Oh, yeah, easier said than done. I know it isn’t. But why not try? I know when you encounter the Janice’s of the world who do the exact same thing as you, we judge and condemn them so quickly. That is because we have not forgiven ourselves. And, there is another point to that. They have condemned us the same, I am sure. We see these actions because we have done these actions. For me, I have lied and hidden my lifestyle from others, so I know the signs and symptoms when that person walks that road. I am very good and “finding” those faults in people. You know the phrase, it takes one to know one? Ha, so true.

Now my wise beyond her years' sister pointed out to me that maybe I haven’t forgiven myself. This is where I had my light bulb moment. Christ is calling me to walk this journey so that I can forgive myself and forgive others. She said that this was an amazing gift of suffering. I am often filled with anxiety and judgment, but I must realize Christ never judged me once, He never gave up on me, He never stopped loving me in my darkness and sinful ways. Now, I want to act JUST LIKE THAT! Instead of condemning, judging, and accusing a person of being hypocritical, I am choosing to say I forgive you, I will not leave you, and I will pray for you.

Another thing my sister and I talked about was a crown. Every time I choose Christ and my suffering with open arms, I earn a diamond in my crown. I like sparkles. This is a visual to help me, and it is working. I am reminded of St Maximillian Kolbe who “after having volunteered to take the place of a prisoner condemned to starvation”1 in the Auschwitz concentration camps earned his red crown. In the book "33 Days to Morning Glory" by Father Michael Gaitley, he explains Mary, the Virgin Mother appeared to Kolbe asking him if he would wear the two crowns she held in her hands. He said yes. Just wait…. There was a white crown and a red crown. The white crown was for purity. Ok, that seems simple enough. The red crown was for his martyrdom. And he said yes! We are called to say yes too. Am I also being asked to wear a crown that was given to me by Christ? I choose to believe in my heart that I am. Christ is blessing me with a crown of great and fruitful suffering. (This is a good thing, people!) Although this crown is heavy and sometimes gives me a raging headache, I am saying yes!!! After all, Christ carried a wooden cross.

If you haven't read "33 Days to Morning Glory" I highly recommend it.

1. Excerpt From: Michael E. Gaitley, MIC. “33 Days to Morning Glory.” iBooks. https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/33-days-to-morning-glory/id665181428?mt=11