Not freaking again

Super frustrated with myself. Do you ever get that way when you realize you did something you didn't want to but didn't know it at the time?

Ok, so I know that not all of you who are reading this, yes all 5 of you... are Catholic, but I am sure you are aware of Lent. Lent is where we fast, pray, and almsgive. So in a nutshell, we fast from the things that keep us from God, we pray without ceasing for... well everything, and we give in service and charity. Love Lent, I really do. But geemoneeze, I mess up all the time.

Let me clarify something before I continue. I am not beating myself up because one might think Catholicism keeps us from having fun, or living life, or anything like that. God WANTS us to be happy. He made us to be happy. Happy with Him in the things he gives us. Catholicism is not disciplinary program in that I will be punished for not keeping my Lenten promises. Quite the contrary. I have been made painfully aware of what is keeping me from God, by God. All he asks for me to do is come to him and say I am sorry. He is the one that put the desires of my Lenten promises on my heart. Though I am a sinner and I fall. All the time. Remember me saying that?

Part of what keeps me from my want of a truly spiritual life is my pride. You all know you have pride. They say money is the root of all evil... WHATEVER. It is PRIDE. P for power, R for riches, I for idolatry, D for disobedience and E for envy. If you have even one of those, you have pride. And you can't tell me you don't! I have all five. So neener neener. Okay, just kidding, it is not a competition. I guess we will get back to me and my shortcomings.

My second confession...

I think the root of my evil was growing up in the California pride. I really don't know. They say it is Adam and Eve yada yada. But I make my choices. I CHOOSE to do the stupid stuff I do. So here it goes. I love to shop and eat out. All the time I love it. Instead of saying no, or actually cooking in my own home, I eat out.

In the past, I would do whatever it took to shop or eat out. It was a retail therapy, before "retail therapy" was a cool thing. Trust me people, it is not cool. Don't shop if you don't have the means. And only shop for the necessities. Do not over shop and do not for any reason steal to shop. More on that later in another post.

My satisfaction came at an early age. My mother would say, "let's go shopping and make you feel better." Ummmm ok. Plus it didn't hurt that my sister hated shopping and my brother is 12-years-older and out of the house already. The feeling of the newness of something was amazing. Is amazing. It truly is an addiction. But it is only short lived. So you have to do it again and again and again. Like a merry go round. Constantly going around and around and around. Uggg I am so dizzy and tired of going round and round. My poor mother, I don't think she knew how else to please us. If I did my chores, I was rewarded with shopping. If I hung out with my mom if my sister did not want to, I was rewarded with shopping. If I did good in school, I was rewarded with shopping. See the trend here?

Let me break it down in scientific language.

Oxytocin is a hormone that is released in the brain. It regulates social interactions, sexual desire, bonding, empathy, generosity, and orgasms. According to PositiveMed.Com "[An increase in oxytocin] all ties back to an ovulating woman’s need to “outdo” the competition. An ovulating woman is more attuned to her appearance and sexual desirability. She is also more aware of her status when in the presence of other women" hence the need to shop

(Positive Med, 2014). So that is my excuse, and I am sticking to it.

Well, I'll let you in on a little secret. That up there is complete and utter nonsense. Sort of. But for me, it does not apply. I am a 42-year-old, no hormone making shopaholic. So take that Positive Med. The question is why do I continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. "Oh, because we are only human." Well, friends that is just not cutting it for me anymore. I want to be more than "only human." I want to inspire and bring joy. I want to share the GREAT NEWS with everyone and not be ashamed of who God is creating in me. That is why I am frustrated with myself. Today was no exception. I made a choice to eat and shop for things I did not need or necessarily want. I made a commitment to abstain from eating out, and if I do or have a desire to, I will put that money towards charity. That did not happen today. (Except now that I am typing this, I am putting $30.00 in my rice bowl). So I spent $20.59 on lunch, yeah that was stupid, on myself. I didn't even buy my friend's lunch which I normally always do. I am mad about that too because I know God was asking me to, but I ignored him and chose to buy clothes and shoes instead. I literally had that conversation in my head.

The drive of why I wanted to shop was pride. I know exactly why I wanted new clothes. I am sick and tired of feeling and looking like a slob. I no longer cared about my appearance until there was competition. Yep, you guessed it. I have fabricated competition in my head and now Satan had said, "let's go shopping and make you feel better." Well, here is the thing Satan, I am painfully aware of what you and I did, and I am going to fix it. After I take the tags off.

Positive Med. (2014, 10 15). Hormones that make you shop. Retrieved 2 27, 2018, from http://positivemed.com/2014/10/15/hormones-make-shop/